Some days are worse than others

I don’t do sick well. It’s never been something I have enjoyed. Not that anyone does I guess. But anyone who knows me well knows that I hate to be sick. I would prefer to deny its true than to slow down and rest. I am pleased to say that in this situation, I know better than to be stupid like that. But the thing I hate about being sick is that you might let people down. Which I am doing. I always worry to much about what people think…. and I know I have a habit of giving out to much and neglecting myself. I’m working on these things…. BUT it still doesn’t make 2 stupid weeks of lying in bed any easier. I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m finding it hard to be here. I'm feeling a bit alone. I can’t always be strong. Hmmm…. not even sure why I decided to share all of this. maybe a moment of the crazy and I’ll regret it later. I don’t usually do vulnerable very well either. But it wouldn’t be right just to tell you about all the good times. I don’t want people thinking I’m this strong, courageous positive person who can deal with anything. That’s not always the truth.

Some days are just worse than others. Sometimes things just aren’t fair. Like today when there was only one banana lollie in the party mix packet….and you can’t buy more because there on the other side of the world. And it;s stupid. Because all you can do is feel sorry for yourself. But why? because there are no banana lollies? Its easier to get upset about the lollies than to analyse everything else. that’s to exhausting.

Then you just feel guilty. Here I am upset that I am sick, when actually, I’m not dying, therefore better off than 1 in 4 people in Malawi. I’m sitting here crying over another greys anatomy episode (they are my friends right now) and upset about my banana lollies feeling sorry for myself when my dear friend is in labour about to have a c-section because there are complications. And I have to know that there are 1 in 8 women who die in child birth here, or 1 in 4 children don’t make it to the age of 5. So I’m scared for her. And then there are kids that I love being admitted again to the malnutrition unit. But getting upset about this stuff takes to much energy right now. Its just all to exhausting. Its not sustainable all the time. Doesn’t matter how well you can cope.

The thing is. Im going to be ok. This will pass. My health is improving. Im just having a bad day. I just wish there were more banana lollies. Do you know what I mean?

And whats with all the orange lollies? No one likes the orange ones. Loz and I even did our own little mini research project on a minibus one day, and it even seems that not liking the orange lollies is universal. And anyone who does actually like the orange ones, still doesn’t like such a high proportion. Its ridiculous. There are a lot of people that I will be thanking when I get home to Australia. like the water board, and telephone companies, the rubbish collectors, the electrical companies… but the people who pack the allens party mix lolliws… nope! more bananas and less orange lollies I say!

Can you see how I have moments and waves of guilt about my superficial complaints. Firstly I should be grateful that I actually have lollies in the first place. And that I have the most fabulous friend in Mel Wilson, who by far wins the prize for sending me the most mail which always has lollies or chocolate inside. And I should be thankful that I have food at all, let alone lollies. There are so many things I should be thankful for.

So there you have it. I’m going a little mad. So many different thoughts. So many reasons why I’m feeling a little lost right now. And so few people to talk about this with. And so much distance from those I want to talk with most. Its just not the same here. At home you know your coping methods. You have alternatives. You have people. You have a plan. But it’s different here. The rules are different. It’s a whole other ball game. It’s a totally different playing field. I’m not even sure why I’m using sports analogies. Weird. Even I’m different.

It’s not really about the lollies. You get that right? Its just to hard to process everything all at once… I’m just sick of being sick.