Life on Pause

September and October were largely in slow motion for me. As many of you would be aware, I was sick for about 6 weeks in total, with what has only been identified as an viral infection of unknown cause - despite being a human pin cushion for every blood test imaginable.

Honestly it has been a humbling, sad, frustrating, annoying, and disappointing experience. But ALSO maybe a necessary one! I’m not saying that I’m pleased it happened. But I certainly can see great things have come from this time. I have learnt many lessons, I am stronger for it, and I had the chance to re-evaluate what I hoped to achieve in my remaining time, so that now I will be far more realistic, and therefore more effective. Well that’s the short version of the story anyway.

Amidst the physical symptoms I found my coping strategies also started wearing a little thin, especially after 3 weeks of little improvement. Because the illness dragged on for so long, and it became to much for me to handle on my own (That was not an easy thing to admit!!) I nearly had to come home. But instead my fantastic parents sent over my awesome brother to support me and help me recover. He also cooked for me, shopped for me, listened to me talk endlessly (which was no small task as I had started going a little insane after being alone lying in bed for about 4 weeks straight) and best of all he made me laugh!! His trip was awesomely timed as early in his time here the doctors started suggesting I needed to go home for further tests and recovery. So it was excellent having AJ here to help decide whether we would pack up to come home, or help with my recovery so I could stay on. Which is obviously what happened.

It was a very long time to be alone in another country locked away in my house while I attempted to recover from an unknown virus with an unknown recovery time. I saw things through new eyes, I do love Malawi and my life here, but I realised just how much of my energy it takes to live here. Things are different. And that’s what I absolutely love about life here in Malawi, but when my normal coping strategies are challenged with sickness it was hard keeping it all together. The power still went out, the water still went out, I still found it hard to get food, water and airtime for my phone. People still expected things of me. And I was still alone. So it was a rather personally challenging time for me. I learnt a great deal about myself, learning to ask for help, learning to know, set and stick to my limits - Apparently lessons that I may just need to keep learning forever!
Of course I constantly asked the question… did my ability to cope with everything falter because of how sick I had become, or is there a chance that I wouldn’t have become so sick if my coping strategies hadn’t started to ware a little thin over the year I had been here. oh well. It takes a big crazy furnace of extreme heat to refine Gold though doesn’t it?? Maybe that’s better than settling for what is essentially mud with a few sparkly bits!?

So life is no longer on pause. I am well, and very thankful for it! Zikomo Kwambili (thanks stacks) for your love & support, thoughts & prayers, phonecalls & emails for me and also my family!

ps My absolute favourite day of being sick was when I woke to find little Evelyn, Tecia and Cornelia washing my dishes and washing my clothes. They had also decided they would wash their own clothes and have a shower. So I lay on the bed listening to squeals and giggles as they had the most fabulous time. Made my day!